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The biggest challenge to anyone looking to achieve a personal goal or make a change frequently comes from within. Every one of us is split between our true self, what we seek to be, and a threatening “anti-self” that distorts our very sense of who we are. Most of us can relate to hearing the voice of this internal enemy at one point or another. Whether it is dispensing self-criticism, or building us up as “special,”  it creates a false sense of who we really are. Yet, most of us fail to recognize just how much this “voice” is shaping our sense of identity and, consequently, the way we live our lives. From our earliest days, our experiences start to weave our sense of identity. Countless things inform this perspective. Ever since the moment we’re born, we’re learning about relationships, what we have to do and how we have to behave in order to get our needs met and feel secure. We learn how we are perceived by our parents ...

It’s hard to really wrap our heads around this. Yet, I find—over and over again—that it’s true. Love doesn’t always just slip away; we push it away… actively. This may sound accusatory and dooming, but to my mind, it is one of the most optimistic realities about relationships. To the degree that we ourselves control the amount of love we will tolerate, we control our romantic destiny. While we may not realize it, in countless, quiet ways, we may be giving up on love. Our tolerance for love is established early in our lives and is based on our unique childhood experiences. The specific ways we were hurt influence us and come to shape our capacity for closeness. As we grow older, we gravitate to what’s familiar. We may choose partners who hurt us in the same ways we’ve always felt hurt. Or, if we do find ourselves in a healthy and rewarding relationship, we may reach a level of intimacy that exceeds our internal limits, and at t...

I t is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them. I think you’ll find these Seven things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your relationship or  marriage to a better place! 1) Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Men need to know that their e spouse respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their espouse trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings fr...

Science has revealed a long list of complex reasons why social connections benefit our mental and physical health. Experiencing relationships and support can lead to longer lives, healthier habits, reduced symptoms of stress, and a sense of meaning in life. Most of us have personally experienced these rewards and don’t need a study to tell us why our relationships matter. However, despite our bent toward connection, we all hold certain patterns and beliefs that can lead us to resist the intimacy and vulnerability that are essential to, not only sustaining these connections, but fully experiencing their many benefits. Humans are naturally a social species.  While most of us think we want close connections, we resist vulnerability, the very trait that makes that connection possible. In a culture that often praises having a thick skin and staying strong and self-contained, we mistakenly brush off being vulnerable as weak. We believe it will unnecessarily expose us t...

"That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” – Chinese Proverb For many of us, worry can feel like an uncontrollable force streaming through our lives. We devote a great deal of time to our worries, either fretting over them or trying desperately to avoid them. Both pursuits take a lot of energy. Because of their distracting nature, our worries often feel like they’re driving us. The truth is, we have more power than we think. We can change our relationship to our worries and learn how to stop worrying. A study of more than 30,000 people recently revealed that while trauma in a person’s life is the number one cause of stress, how people think about this trauma is just as relevant to how much stress they experience. “Whilst we can’t change a person’s family history or their life experiences, it is possible to help a pers...

Many people grow up with fears around abandonment. Some are plagued by these fears pretty consistently throughout their lives. They worry they’ll be rejected by peers, partners, schools, companies, or entire social circles. For many others, these fears aren’t fully realized until they enter into a romantic relationship. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden, they feel inundated with insecurity and dread that their partner will distance themselves, ignore, or leave them. Everyone experiences this fear at different levels. Most of us can relate to having heightened anxiety over thoughts of rejection. We may be set off by anything from an aloof first date to a longtime partner seeming distracted and unavailable. In extreme cases, people may struggle with “autophobia,” an overwhelming fear of being alone or isolated, in which they perceive themselves as being ignored, or uncared for even when they’re with another person. They may also experie...

Do you ever find yourself longing for your partner, wishing you could feel more connected, even when you’re both in the same place? Or, have you ever caught yourself fantasizing about taking a break from your relationship, wishing you could just slip away for a while? In most relationships, one partner has more desire for closeness, while the other has more need for distance. If you are part of a couple, here’s an interesting question to ask yourself. Which one are you? Do you want your relationship to be closer?  Or, do you feel that your partner is too close for comfort? If it’s you who wants more closeness, how do you go about trying to get it?  If you’d prefer some distance, how do you try to create more separation?  Finally, and most importantly, are these methods working for you? Most couples experience a kind of push and pull that forces a certain degree of space between them. By this, I don’t mean a good kind of space, li...

Generosity is no longer the selfless act we’ve long thought it to be. Studies now suggest that one of the biggest benefactors of generosity is the person who is dishing it out. Like a healthy diet, exercise, and good genes, generosity may increase your life span. A 2003 research study at the University of Michigan reveals that the positive effects of generosity include improving one’s mental and physical health and promoting longevity. In another Michigan study, which traced 2,700 people over 10 years, researchers found that men who did regular volunteer work had death rates 2.5 times lower than men who didn’t. Generosity can help reduce stress, support one’s physical health and enhance one’s sense of purpose. So what is it about generosity that makes it so vital to a happy and healthy life? First, it’s important to note that the form of generosity that most benefits us isn’t measured in a dollar amount or a physical gain. What matters is the ...

While bearing our own suffering is bad enough, watching our children struggle can be almost unbearable! It’s natural to want to avoid things that are uncomfortable and unpleasant, and especially to protect our children from experiencing them.  And clearly, suffering for extended periods of time is unacceptable. But the truth is, life is not without physical and emotional suffering. From the moment our children are born, they need to breathe on their own and communicate their distress. And part of our job as parents is to help them contend with this distress so they can learn to take care of themselves. Learning about negative feelings and their meaning helps our children attend to critical information so they can effectively navigate through their lives. In this day and age, there are infinite ways for our kids to attempt to avoid and escape negative emotions and discomfort.  They have quick access to distraction and sources of entertainment in the palm of their ...

These Threats are becoming alarming

True Love: What Love Is and What It Is Not The topic of true love has been debated for centuries.  Cynics often swear it doesn’t exist, while hopeless romantics think everyone should set out to find their soulmates.  With science now showing that true love is not only possible, but can actually last a lifetime, we’ve decided to look at the psychological elements that allow love to bloom or fade. Let’s start by defining what true love really is: What is True Love? Dr. Lisa Firestone, co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, often says that the best way to think of love is as a verb. Love is dynamic and requires action to thrive. As Dr. Firestone wrote, “Often, we spend our time worrying about what our partner feels toward us or how the relationship looks from the outside. Even though it feels good to be loved by someone else, each one of us can only really feel our loving feelings for another person and...